The CDC is spending a year studying the likely fabricated mysterious fiber disease Morgellons. Why wait for the government to disprove “unexplained dermopathy” when there are actual frightening diseases to worry about. I list here some rare and deadly microbes that may keep you up at night…
Brain Devouring Amoebas– These guys are so sneaky. N. Fowleri crawl up your nose through the olfactory nerve until they reach the all-you-can-eat buffet in your brain. They secrete enzymes and proteins that dissolve brain tissue, so that their little suckers can hoover up the sludge. And believe me, these guys can eat it all. You won’t know your brain is being devoured until you have a stiff neck, headaches, nausea, and then finally confusion, loss of balance and motor skills, and hallucination. Doctors can treat the problem if detected early, or else a quick death will follow. You might want to stay away from warm stagnant fresh water ponds and pools where these killers reside. Yeah, I know, that might be hard to do in the summer, but you can rest easy that only six individuals died from this last year.
Fungal Invaders – A gardener recently died after inhaling a cloud of rotting mulch particles that contained the fungus aspergillus fumagatis. He quickly developed an aspergillosis infection sometimes found in HIV patients and individuals with weakend immune systems. His lungs were probably weakened from being a wielder and a smoker, or he could’ve had an immunodeficiency. His symptoms included sharp breathing pains, high fever, muscle aches, a worsening shortness of breath, and finally sepsis and kidney failure. Again, this is extremely rare. Another fungus you may want to worry about is zygomycosis, which can cause necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating disease *shudder*).
Stevens-Johnson Syndrome – The parents of Sabrina Johnson are suing Macneil PPC because they believed that the company’s pediatric Motrin caused blindness in their daughter. After her parents treated Sabrina’s high fever with Motrin, she developed a sore and swollen mouth. By the next day, she was blind. Doctors have diagnosed her with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, the main symptom of which is a mild form of toxic epidermal necrolysis, notably when the epidermus separates from the dermus causing cell death. The main thrust of the argument is that Motrin products do not provide warnings on their labels about the risk of Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. I’m not sure how this trial will work out, but the rare condition is no laughing matter and deserves further investigation.
*UPDATE: The jury found the makers of Motrin “NOT GUILTY“. The jury acknowledged that Johnson and Johnson knew of the potential dangers of stens-johnson syndrome, but that in this case, a warning would not have changed the outcome of the situation. The parents would have given the Motrin anyway. I think that has got to be the stupidest reason, but whatever.