Do you want to know the real deal on cloth diapers? Probably not, but I’m going to answer it anyway, whether you like it or not…
It doesn’t matter that they are so good for the environment because they are so nasty; just the idea of them still sends shivers down my spine. The thought of putting sewage stained fuzzibunz into my washing machine is so revolting that I can’t even bring myself to do it. My wife wanted the cloth diapers, so she gets to wash them. You would think I would be happy about that arrangement and that I would let life continue in domestic harmony, but I can’t let another “First Dude” give in to his crunchy “Alpha Wife” on this issue.
I’m going rogue.
First of all, we had to deal with the leaks. Forgive me, but babies can fire off some salvos of mustard gas that even Saddam wouldn’t want to encounter. Cloth diapers don’t really have an elastic leg, so any excess mess squirts out the sides. It was a nightmare for Dads, like me, who change diapers by suppressing their gag reflex and trying to flood their minds with happy thoughts of glitter and rainbows.
Baby poop doesn’t always come out looking like a butterfinger bar. Newborn poop looks like melted blacktop, then it looks like mustard, and finally, it starts to take shape… except when it doesn’t take shape and it looks like a Mississippi mud pit on a rainy day. And then you have to wash it in your own private washing machine. I can tell you the spin cycle on my machine is not spinning nearly as fast as my brain that can’t get past the contents of the diapers being cleaned.
And poop stinks, but for some reason we keep the dirty cloth diapers in the computer room where I’m trying to write blog posts. Except I can’t write anything because my mind is starting to melt trying to block out my sense of smell while still writing with a minimum of intelligence.
So, what can you do if your wife insists on cloth diapers and you don’t want to block out the memories via shock treatment. Well, I wish I had some of these answers when we started because now I have PTSD, or Poop Traumatized Stay-at-home-dad Disorder.
- Get one of those sprayer things that hook up to your toilet.
- Or, get a roll of those easy-flush liners that I’m only just now hearing about.
- Use calgon fabric softener to wash out the ammonia and crystallized stench.
- Dry your diapers outside
- Get some kind of airtight container that can prevent odors.
- Never ever make your babysitters or extended family change a cloth diaper.
Well, I hope I sufficiently scared any hipsters from glamorizing cloth diapers, and in case I didn’t, then at least you have some suggestions on how to stay sane. Now I just need some suggestions for how to handle my wife once she sees this post. She hates it when I go rogue. 🙂