Posted by: Ticktock | November 20, 2008

The 2nd Skeptical Parent Crossing

slaughterFALL IN LINE, CADETS!  SOME OF YOU VOLUNTEERED, SOME OF YOU WERE RECRUITED, BUT WHILE YOU’RE IN MY PARENTING BOOT CAMP, YOU WILL ANSWER ME WITH “YES, DRILL SERGEANT” WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU.  IS THAT CLEAR, MAGGOTS?

<your answer here>

IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?  SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!!!

<YOUR ANSWER HERE>

TEN HUT!  PRESENT BLOGS!!!

PRIVATE BLAKE, FRONT AND CENTER!  WHAT IS THIS PIECE OF UNPASTEURIZED CHEESE DOING IN YOUR LOCKER?  I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY TO HORDE THINGS LIKE A SQUIRREL, HUH, PRIVATE BLAKE?  ARE YOU A SQUIRREL, PRIVATE BLAKE?  DO YOU LIKE NUTS, PRIVATE BLAKE?  ACCORDING TO YOUR DOSSIER, YOUR SPECIALTY IS DOMESTIC FATHERING, BUT IF YOU KEEP ON SNACKING ON CHEESE, WE’LL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR EXPERTISE TO FAIL, WON’T WE PRIVATE BLAKE?  NOW WIPE THAT DISGUSTING GRIN OFF YOUR FACE AND GET BACK IN LINE, PRIVATE.

PRIVATE PODBLACK!  I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT DOWN UNDER, BUT UNCLE SAM SALUTES WHEN A SUPERIOR OFFICER IS ON DECK.  I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE TO INTERVIEW GENERAL MCGOWAN, BUT SO HELP ME FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, I’LL HAVE YOU FLIPPING LAMB BURGERS AT A HUNGRY JACKS QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY ‘BILLABONG’ IF YOU SCREW UP LIKE THAT AGAIN.  NOW GET TO THE MESS HALL FOR K.P. AND KEEP WASHING DISHES UNTIL 2300 – AMERICAN TIME, MATILDA.

full-metal-jacket-ermey

WHO SMELLS LIKE BEER?  WHICH ONE OF YOU SLUGS SMELLS LIKE YOU TOOK A BATH IN A VAT OF GUINNESSPRIVATE SHEN-LI!  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS BABYLICIOUS.  YOU SMELL LIKE THE FLOOR OF A NIGHTCLUB THE MORNING AFTER A ‘GIRLS GONE WILD’ BINGE DRINKING CONTEST.  LET ME GUESS… YOU HAVE DAMP CHI AND YOUR SPLEEN MERIDIAN IS BLOCKED?  POOR ANTENATAL BABY.  TIME TO CHI KU AND ‘EAT SOME BITTER’!  NOW START DOING PUSH UPS AND DON’T GET UP UNTIL YOUR YIN STARTS TO YANG.

OH, LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO SHOW UP, THE NEW RECRUIT, PRIVATE TUTTLE.  E.T.A. WAS THREE HOURS AGO, TUTTLE.  NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY!  WE RECRUITED YOU FROM THE ELITE RANKS AT STROLLERDERBY, AND YOU GET LOST ALONG THE WAY?  PATHETIC TUTTLE!  SINCE YOU CAN’T SEEM TO FIND YOUR HEAD FROM A LATRINE IN THE GROUND, WE’RE GOING TO ISSUE YOU A GPS DEVICE.  A FIRST GRADER COULDN’T GET LOST WITH THIS GADGET, BUT SOMEHOW, I THINK EVEN YOU COULD STILL MANAGE TO SCREW IT UP.  I OUGHT TO SHIP YOUR ROTTEN BUTT STRAIGHT BACK TO BABBLE PLATOON.

SOMEBODY LOOKS A LITTLE SAD.  WHAT’S WRONG PRIVATE ROOKS?  WHY ARE YOU WITHOUT YOUR BLOG, PRIVATE?

YOU DELETED IT????????????

HOW CAN YOU MANAGE TO DELETE YOUR OWN BLOG?  I DON’T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR HOW MUCH YOU DISGUST ME.  DID YOUR MOTHER DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD?  HOW DID YOU BECOME SUCH A FESTERING SORE ON HUMANITY THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN HOLD ON TO YOUR BLOG?  DO YOU PLAN ON FIGHTING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR PINKIE TOE, PRIVATE ROOKS?  DOES THIS LOOK LIKE YOUR BLOG, PRIVATE? MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO TIE YOUR SHOES TOO?  UNBELIEVABLE!

STAND UP STRAIGHT, DR. BRYAN?  YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU’RE A MEDIC WHO ‘SOLVED PARENTING‘ THAT I’M GOING TO TREAT YOU ANY DIFFERENT?  NO WAY, BEN GAY!  YOU JUST EARNED THE ENTIRE SQUAD A RUN UP MOUNT SAGAN.  THAT’S RIGHT, EVERYBODY, DR. BRYAN JUST GAVE Y’ALL AN EXTRA THREE MILES.  SMART OFF AGAIN, DR. BRYAN, AND I’LL TACK ON THREE MORE.  NOW LISTEN UP, GRUNTS.  I WANT YOU TO RUN YOUR CHUNKY BLOGGING BUTTS UP THERE AND BACK BEFORE THE SUN GOES DOWN.  GO GO GO!  DOUBLE TIME!  I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU QUIT UNTIL YOU’RE SWEATING HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP.

HOLY HOCKEY PUCKS, PRIVATE SKEPDAD!  YOU LOOK PRETTY TIRED, SON.  DID YOU SEE THE MEDIC FOR YOUR FRIDAY PHYSICAL?  OR SHOULD I SAY ‘FIZZICLE‘?  HOW DARE YOU COME TO BOOT CAMP TELLING OUR FINE SOLDIERS THAT YOU WANT TO TEACH SEX ED TO KIDS IN KINDERGARTEN!  I’D HAVE YOU COURT MARSHALLED AND WATER BOARDED IF IT WERE UP TO ME.  YOU CANADIANS ARE ALL ALIKE WITH YOUR BEADY EYES AND YOUR FLAPPY HEADS.  I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING WEAPON X WHEN THEY SENT YOU HERE, BUT INSTEAD I GET A GAY REJECT FROM ALPHA FLIGHT.  PATHETIC.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PRIVATE HANSON?  WHAT IN THIS VAST COSMOS COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOU BREAK FORMATION?   A SCALE MODEL OF PLANET MARS?  WELL, SWEET HONEY BUTTERCUPS, PRIVATE HANSON, I THINK YOU JUST WON RANDI’S MILLION DOLLAR CHALLENGE FOR ‘LAZIEST SACK OF DONKEY DUNG’.  LET ME REMIND YOU, PRIVATE MMMBOP, THAT MARS IS THE GOD OF WAR.  IF YOU WANT TO PICK FLOWERS WITH THE RATIONAL MOMS THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT AND GO HOME.  YOU AREN’T GONNA QUIT ARE YOU?  THEN RUN, GOD DAMN IT, OR I’LL SHOVE MERCURY SO FAR UP URANUS THAT EVEN THE BEST DAN DOCTOR WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO CHELATE IT OUT.  DON’T STOP RUNNING UNTIL YOU REACH PROXIMA CENTAURI.

REMEMBER WHAT WE ARE FIGHTING FOR, BOYS AND GIRLS.  GOD AND STATE?  NOT ON YOUR WORTHLESS EXISTENCE!  WE ARE FIGHTING FOR A MORE RATIONAL WORLD, WE ARE FIGHTING FOR TRUTH AND REASON, WE ARE FIGHTING FOR OUR HOMELAND OF SCIENCE AND SKEPTICISM.  OUR ENEMIES ARE NUMEROUS, AND THEY ARE RECRUITING CHILDREN… EVEN BABIES TO DO THEIR FIGHTING.  WE MUST DEFEAT THEM BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.  SO, WHEN YOU ARE PARACHUTING INTO WOO TERRITORY, GRAB YOUR BLOG, MAKE SURE IT’S LOADED WITH A FULL MAGAZINE OF LINKS, SELECT YOUR TARGETS, AND BLAST AWAY!

REMEMBER THIS CREED, LADIES:  THIS IS MY BLOG.  THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE.  MY BLOG IS MY BEST FRIEND.  IT IS MY LIFE.  I MUST MASTER IT AS I MUST MASTER MY LIFE.  WITHOUT ME, MY BLOG IS USELESS.  WITHOUT MY BLOG, I AM USELESS.

AT EASE, SOLDIERS.  RETURN BACK IN A MONTH.  DRILL SERGEANT KYLIE WILL BE YOUR C.O. FOR DECEMBER.  FALL OUT!

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I’ve read through this twice now and I’m still laughing. Great job!

  2. […] can check out the #100 Skeptic’s Circle here and don’t forget the very authoritative #2 Skeptical Parent Crossing (I now have a link for it!) – the 3rd in the series will be hosted at this blog – here’s the […]

  3. I forgot to submit to this carnival, but I did go through and read each post, and took the time to comment as well. I think that to support each other as secular parent or atheist bloggers, we should not only read the entries, but take the time to comment.

  4. Hi – don’t forget, next round is at my blog – zip in those entries when you’re ready! 🙂

  5. […] was remiss in linking to Carnival #2 at Science-based Parenting at the time…it’s here (and check out the falling snow app, or whatever it is, very timely. How do you do that, […]

  6. […] to be consumed by pygmy marmosets for the purpose of scientific research.  Far more kind than my spittle-inflected tirade as a drill instructor in the 2nd carnival.  As for the 3rd edition?  Well, podblack cat snuck that one past me as I was […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: