Under my back deck was a makeshift clubhouse constructed by Sasha and her neighbor friend, Dennis the Menace.
Also hiding under my back deck were a hive of villainous Yellow Jacket wasps.
Can you guess what happened next?
Those little waspers stung my innocent sweetheart seven times!!!
I did some investigating to find out more about the evil flying predators***. The first thing that surprised me is that Ohio, my home state, is ground zero for Yellow Jackets. They were brought to America by German immigrants settling in this area. Thanks a lot, settlers!
Yellow Jackets eat dead animals for breakfast and top it off by slurping down a can of Cherry Coke for dessert. These aren’t your fancy free bumblebees making honey in a hive. Yellow Jackets are deadly little pests. For one thing, their stingers don’t usually fall out. One yellow jacket can sting you dozens of times. Worst of all, if one of those bastards gets squashed, the guard wasps in the colony are warned via a death pheromone released by the recently departed. So, you’d better get the hell out of dodge when you kill your first attacker, lest you find yourself swarmed by a battalion of the angry little bitches.
We first discovered our Yellow Jackets hanging out in a hole in the backyard, which went fine for everyone until I needed to mow. Apparently, they don’t like loud noises because I was stung by a particularly cranky one that was disturbed as I mowed over his underground lair. My lawn stayed half-mowed for days until I gathered the courage to empty an entire can of poison on their little home base.
They must have regrouped under the deck and waited for the right time to seek vengeance. Instead of targeting me, they went for my poor little girl. They also waited until I was at work when they attacked, so that I couldn’t immediately retaliate. Smart little devils!
It turns out that the best defense against yellow jackets is to wait until winter. They’ve yet to acquire the intelligence needed to live in a cold climate. All of them will perish, except for the impregnated queen. It’s said that she will not stay in the same nest. But before the icy grip of Jack Frost acts as a natural exterminator, I will find these decorative wasps and murder each and every one of them while they’re sleeping.
Don’t mess with my babies!
*not our clubhouse
**not my kid