Dr. Rachael Dunlop has been nominated for a #health twitter award for her work as a skeptic defending vaccines. Who cares about twitter “shorty” awards?
Well, Health Ranger wanted it so bad that he was dismissed from the competition for having sketchy votes, and Dr. Mercola wanted it so bad that he resorted to ad hominem attacks on Facebook. All this over an award voted by people who spend their days tweeting! What’s next? Are we going to see grown adults making decisions based on the prophecies of cootie catcher paper fortune tellers?
Since we’re having so much fun being juvenile in the blogosphere, I thought I’d join in by doing a parody of Health Ranger’s rant against skeptics. Of course, I’m sure some of these are massive straw men, but imitation is the highest form of flattery, right?
• Health Ranger believes that vaccines are bad. He wants us to return to the pre-vaccine days when life expectancy was 30 years younger than the life expectancy of today.
• Health Ranger believes that we should go back to the days when water wasn’t fluoridated, a time when the dental cavity rate was 25 percentage points higher than present.
• Health Ranger believes that drugs are bad and natural is good; and by natural, health ranger believes in homeopathic placebo pills and untested herbs like ginkgo.
• Health Ranger believes that natural immunity will protect him from harm when he’s visiting third world countries with widespread disease.
• Health Ranger believes that c-sections are bad, and that we should go back to 1915, a time when we had more natural births… also when infant mortality rates were 90% higher than today.
• Health Ranger believes in hypnosis. This is especially hilarious since he is a prime example of a person who is easily hypnotized by non-mainstream influences.
• Health Ranger believes that he can prove there is a soul, and that his soul can be massaged by reiki practitioners.
• Health Ranger believes that DEAD foods do not have exactly the same nutritional properties as LIVING foods (hilarious!). [what?]
• Health Ranger believes that chemicals are scary, which is why he is staying away from dihydrogen monoxide.
• Health Ranger believes that water is magic and can remember the energy of the liver of a decapitated duck, and that this magic energy will cure him of the flu because a man named Hahnemann wrote that down in his special book over a century ago.
• Health Ranger believes that phytochemicals, like the kind in soy that make your child’s alternative milk a river of estrogen, are ALWAYS good. (The ignorance of this intellectual position is breathtaking…)
• Health Ranger believes that the moon is in it’s seventh hour and Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
• Health Ranger believes that the sun is a mass of incandescent gas instead of a miasma of incandescent plasma.
• Health Ranger believes in the type of medicine made popular by his ancient ancestors: leeches and witch doctors.
• Health Ranger believes that following a hunch is better than double-blind placebo controlled studies.
• Health Ranger believes that the force is flowing through him, that it binds him, and penetrates him.
• Health Ranger believes that the billions of people who use cell phones all have hand cancer and don’t know it.
• Health Ranger believes in the mass consumption of sugar, without any alternatives, regardless of whether they’ve proven their safety.
• Health ranger believes that medicine shouldn’t be tested and that people should be able to sell pills regardless of whether they are efficacious.
• Health Ranger is afraid of dying and wants to live forever by feeding on the fears and insecurities of his followers.
oh… and Health Ranger believes that the US faked a terrorist attack by flying planes into it’s own defense headquarters and financial institutions (killing thousands of it’s own citizens in the process). Seriously, he really seems to believe it.